Sisterhood of Angel Mama’s Magazine | Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Edition October 2021
My Sweet Angel Zariah Lived & Was So Loved!
Written & Photos by Tabitha Dominguez
From conception the specialist told me my baby girl Zariah would not survive because of my high blood pressure. I didn’t know about it because I had issues with my placenta and caused no amniotic fluid. My baby girl wasn’t getting the oxygen or nutrients she needed to grow and develop. They told me to have an abortion or to just spend time with her until she passed away. I didn’t want either choice. I kept the faith that God would heal her.
On January 28, 2021, I noticed my baby wasn’t moving much so I went to the hospital to check on her. My baby’s heart rate was dropping and they had to do an emergency c-section at 29 weeks pregnant. She was born with so many complications. Her brain was damaged so the dead cells were turning to fluid. They said if she survived she would never walk, talk, breath or eat on her own. She couldn’t move her arms or legs. The doctors ran an eye test and found out that she was blind. Her lungs were small and underdeveloped that she was put on a ventilator. Only half of my baby’s heart was pumping and the other half of her heart was working super hard.
My baby was put on high blood pressure and pain medicine. The doctors put her in a coma so she wouldn’t fight the ventilator. I only saw her eyes open the last week of her life. I tried feeding her my breast milk but her stomach couldn’t tolerate it so she was fed nutrition through IVs. The doctors kept telling me to let her go but I just couldn’t, I wanted to keep her and she fought so hard to be here. I had her baptized while in a coma and I only got to hold her three times of her life.
On March 19, 2021 I went to visit her for 2 hours. I did what I always did prayed over her and sang “You Are My Sunshine, My Only Sunshine”. She was so bloated and bruised she did not look good so I asked the doctors why she looked like that and they said Ascites and that the doctor will take a look at her tomorrow. I didn’t even know what that was until I looked it up after she died. When I got done visiting her I told her that I loved her and would be back to visit her soon but I never got another chance to visit her.
My baby’s heart rate dropped and the nurses came running in to do CPR on her. They brought her back and let me visit her again. Her heart rate dropped again and then stopped and the doctors and nurses rushed in doing everything they could to save her. My daughter’s father was in the car with our other three children. I told him to hurry and that our baby girl is dying. He rushed in and we prayed that God would heal her and let us keep her.
A doctor came in to let the fluid out of her stomach to see if that would help. It didn’t! They worked on her until they no longer could. I told them to continue working on her but they wouldn’t. They walked me over to her and took off all her tubes and wires and handed me my baby girl. I was in shock! I couldn’t believe my baby girl was gone. I tried pumping her chest and crying to come back to me. Her father and I just held her, kissed her, hugged her and cried. I cried so much my head started hurting.
The chaplain came to send his condolences and to give us a certificate with her name on it. The nurses took her hand and foot prints for us to keep. They even gave us a keepsake box to put everything of hers in like her diapers, blankets, powder, soap, her little caps, etc. The nurse took us to a room by ourself. She let our other kids come to meet and hold her. I was so sad they never got to meet her alive only on video calls. We all just held her and cried. I even got to bath her, something I never got to do because she was so sick. The nurses cut pieces of her hair for me to keep. I didn’t want to leave her. I wanted to bring her home, where she was supposed to be. The doctor asked if we wanted a autopsy I said yes. We were all tired and had been at the hospital for 8 hours so we went straight home to cry and mourn.
It’s not fair I never got to breast feed or dress her up in cute dresses and bows. I never heard her little voice. I never got to watch her milestones. I was just so angry at God for blessing me with such a precious miracle just to be ripped away. It was so cruel! I begged, prayed, cried and had faith that she would be healed and she wasn’t. In the Bible it says he heals the sick and brings the dead to life. So why wasn’t my baby girl worth saving? I had people all over the world praying for her and that didn’t even help. I should be planning to bring her home not having her funeral.
The autopsy report came back after a month and she ended up dying from organ failure. Everything the doctors were saying were true even though I was in denial and had faith God would not let my baby girl or me down. During her funeral she looked so beautiful just like a little doll. I dressed her up in a little dress with a big pink bow, flower gloves and socks.
Everything was so big because she was so tiny. They let us hold her one last time and to take a family picture. The service was beautiful. We played pictures of her and played beautiful songs. The preacher did a beautiful sermon. I miss her so much that my heart aches. She would have been 7 months and I’m still mourning the loss of my baby girl. This pain will never go away, my tears will never dry. I just break down crying going to stores and seeing other mothers with their baby girls or just passing by the baby aisles. No parent should lose a child. No parent should suffer such heartache. I’m forever living a nightmare I will never wake up from. I just want my baby back!