Sisterhood of Angel Mama’s Magazine | Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Edition October 2021
A Mother’s Pain
Written & Photos by Shatavia Roberts
The worst day of my life and a day I could never forget was when I heard those words we’re sorry your baby has no heartbeat. What does that even mean? The baby that I have bonded with for seven months, the kicks and all the moments of becoming a mother now, my world has come tumbling down. I have so many feelings rushing my way. I’m angry, hurt and confused as of why is this happening to me. I felt like I was the only woman in the world that this was happening to in the midst of a pandemic and I felt alone.
At 23 weeks I was diagnosed with Incompetent Cervix and at 27 weeks and I had a placenta abruption. The doctor explained that I had to deliver my baby and to make funeral arrangement. I was so worried about miscarrying early on in my pregnancy that I didn’t know I could have a stillborn far on in pregnancy. God please help me as I cried and went through labor. I held my baby girl and named her Mikylie A’miricle. She was so tiny, weighing 1 lb 9 oz and she was so cold and still but so perfectly created.
I planned a funeral for my baby girl but that wasn’t the pain. The pain was when I realized that I left the hospital with a baby blanket and 5 pictures. It was a different kind of hurt I thought I would never cope from. It seemed like everyone I talked to never said the right words until I discovered the the Stillborn and Miscarriage Support Group. I shared my story and then became a moderator and that’s when I was able to connect with other women who went though losses just like me and I knew that I was not alone. The more I talked and listen to people it helped me. I even started going to my baby girl grave every month until she turned one, I talked to her and told her how I felt and released a balloon to help with my healing. Child loss is something you will never get over, you just learn to live with it. I am 1 in 4 and I will continue to share my story and pray it inspires someone else.