Sisterhood of Angel Mama’s Magazine Issue 02 | December 2021
My Blueberry 🫐 Dream
Written & Photos by Danielle Nicole Reddick
Anyone who really knows me knows that there is nothing that I want more in this world than to be a mother. On Thursday, November 3, 2016, my life changed drastically in every way that you can possibly think of. At almost 9 weeks pregnant God had taken away my baby from me. MY baby that meant so much to me already. MY baby that already had an impact on his/her parents. When I first found out that I was pregnant so many thoughts were running through my mind, yet I knew that everything would be okay when my baby got here. Jumbled with emotions the doctor told us that based on my HCG levels I would possibly have twins or a miscarriage.
Immediately we ruled out the second one and started to mentally prepare for twins. As time went on, we were overwhelmed with excitement with the thought of one or two beautiful babies. The day that we saw our little bitty baby on the ultrasound made our heart smile. We were trying to see if we were able to see two, but it was hard to tell. We had created a life together, something so special. I had the pregnancy app which told us every week the size of our baby based on food. The fruit that stood out the most was Blueberry so that is what we called our baby until it was time to find out what we were having.
Our excitement soon dwindled down, and a dark cloud covered our lives. Having to go to the emergency because of the bleeding and the pains that I was experiencing, the doctor wanted to keep a close eye on me and the baby. The fact that I did not know what was going on drove me crazy. I would spot and I even passed blood clots, when I later realized was baby tissue, but the hospital would just send me back home. However, we still had hope that everything was going to be okay. As the days went on the baby continued to grow.
In fact, we were scheduled for another ultrasound appointment so that we could finally hear a heartbeat. Excited as we were to see the nurses and doctors pull up the ultrasound screen our heart instantly dropped. Our baby, my baby was no longer there. The ultrasound that I had seen that day was not the ultrasound that I was previewed the week before. It looked as if someone took their hand and smeared paint all over. I did not recognize what was once my pregnancy ultrasound. A million questions running through my mind because we had JUST seen our little prince/princess. Taken away so fast I could not and still do not understand. Being on bed rest and not being able to go to work and letting the miscarriage continue to run its course still did not give me evidence to believe this was happening to ME.
Since that day, I’ve had weeks and weeks of not being able to sleep, crying every two seconds, waking up in the middle of the night horrified with tears streaming down my face, breaking down in the baby aisle at the store. Nightmares of this experience haunt me since it has happened. Having to work with children makes it harder to accept. Every day I looked for my stomach to grow bigger, but nothing changed. My life is empty and incomplete. I no felt longer whole, but more like a broken woman. Embarrassingly, to say taking Nyquil in order to sleep through the night was my outlet.
My due date was May 31, 2017, and I would have had a four-year-old right now. I cannot hold my baby; I cannot kiss my baby’s pretty little feet and toes. I will NEVER get to have that connection of falling in love with my own first creation. I know people will say “you can always try again”, but I wanted THAT baby. I wanted my firstborn. Miscarriages are hard to deal with and I NEVER thought that I would have to go through something like this.
I was able to turn my pain into purpose by creating a private FB group called Angel Mamas and developing a nonprofit called Tiny Hearts Remembered, Inc. Helping other women in the PAIL Community through these different avenues assisted with my self-reflection and realizing that I still had many areas of healing I needed to work through. I had to understand that healing did not mean that I was forgetting my baby, but more of being transparent and open about the topic of pregnancy loss so that I could help other women on the same journey. Setting boundaries, developing self-care routines and understanding that grief does not have a time limit has been essential on my journey. Every year since my loss I celebrate my baby’s birthday with a balloon release, celebrate Pregnancy and Infant Loss Pregnancy Awareness Month in October, and participate in the Wave of Light on October 15th for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
I recently got a tattoo with my baby’s birthday, heart, and pink and blue ribbon. This truly solidified that I no longer have my angel. However, I will forever have my baby attached to me and forever in my heart and memories. To my angel, Mommy misses you oh so very much and I will NEVER forget about my angel above.
I am that 1 in 4 women statistic. My pregnancy loss matters.