Sisterhood of Angel Mama’s Magazine | September 2020

Viola Inez Gilley’s Story

Written & Photo by Marissa Smith Gilley

On January 20th, 2020 I woke up just like a normal Monday morning. I was oddly sick though, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I called the OBGYN and they brushed it off as a stomach bug. I called back, I knew something was wrong. I just didn’t know my baby had died.

I go to my appointment and at the beginning of my appointment they tried to find my beautiful baby girl’s heartbeat. A heart beat that wasn’t there. I had time to call my mom, and she tried to calm me down, praying she was just in my ribs and they would see her. They rushed me to ultrasound, and In that room where I expected to see my baby girl’s heart still beating. They said those words, “Your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat”.

At that moment part of me died, I had so many emotions that over powered me. I didn’t know how to call anyone. I didn’t know how to feel, all I could do is cry. I called my mom back and told her. I heard her heart break on the other end of the phone. I hung up and called Viola’s Daddy. I didn’t know how to tell him, I couldn’t tell him over the phone. 

I held my tears and tried to be strong for us and just told him to meet me at the OBGYN.

They  told me that I could have my choice in when and how I wanted to birth our daughter. I chose immediately and a vaginal birth. That 45 minute drive felt like 5 hours, full of emotions, broken hearts. I managed to call my best friend, and I am so blessed that her and her husband spent 2 nights down there with us. Showing us so much love, and so much emotional support for all of us.

That night I labored, I labored hard and for about 9 hours. I felt like I deserved the pain I was in because my baby died. I had so much guilt. They gave me medicine after medicine and it wouldn’t touch my pain. I was dilated to a 6 when I got my epidural, the epidural only took on my left leg so I still felt everything. Looking back on it, if you feel or felt like this, I want you to know it is not and was not your fault.

Right after I got my epidural I had our beautiful daughter Viola Inez Gilley. Our 9 inches 10 ounce baby girl who we had prayed so hard for. Me and my husband Seth we’re blessed enough to spend a day and a half with her.

We cried, we talked about who she looked like, we cuddled with her, but most of all we took in the little bit of time we would ever get to have with her in our arms.     

Seth, my husband helped me so much during birth and after birth. I am so thankful that my family friends were the one that was able to come get Viola, and take her to her cremation, and be able to hold a beautiful service for her. That moment when they took her another part of me died. Part of me that will never come back.

The next time I saw my daughter was at her funeral (that thankfully my mom planned other then the music because I mentally could not have done it). She was sitting in her pink urn. I hugged all of our loved ones, and thanked them for coming to celebrate our baby. That we all love so much.

It’s been 7 months since she passed, it hasn’t gotten easier. But I have learnt how to live with it. I pray for all of you mamas daily. 

Our Babies Are Enough.

Sisterhood of Angel Mama’s Magazine