Sisterhood of Angel Mama’s Magazine | Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Edition October 2021
My Angel Baby
Written & Photo by Daphne McCreery
The hardest day of my life was September 8, 2009. The entire four months of my pregnancy was fought but on that dreadful day I had to say goodbye to the most important person in my life which was my son. The first month was like any other pregnancy, feeling sick to my stomach and I was tired all the time.
My second month I started seeing some blood and immediate went to the emergency room. They informed me that sometimes bleeding was normal and they didn’t see any issues to follow up with my doctor. Once my doctor’s appointment came they checked in on my baby and the bleeding. Before I could even get my gown on there was blood on the floor. They told me to take it easy but the baby seemed fine. As time went on the bleeding gotten worse and I started getting more and more concerned but every single time I went in it was the same thing.
Finally as my fourth month was starting I once again went into the hospital for pain in my stomach and even more severe bleeding. The nurse told me that everything seemed fine again however if I feel like I am losing my baby then I was probably going to lose the baby! I was so angry! Who says that to a new mother? Why are they not looking into it deeper to see what is going on? Why do they not care about my baby. They told me that my chances of losing the baby were cut in half as of the fourth month.
That same night as I went to bed I kept feeling a hard spot in my stomach that hurt. Since this was my first pregnancy I thought the little guy was just pushing on me and I didn’t feel concerned. I was staying with my parents at the time so when I woke up in the middle of the night hurting and feeling the need to push I went and woke up my mother and told her that I was scared and I think I’m losing my baby. I also told her I had to use the bathroom and asked if she would come with me.
I thought maybe feeling like I had to push I just had to go number two. I sat there on the toilet in tears as my mother sat on the edge of the bathtub and held my hand. Suddenly, I felt a feeling that just had to be my baby. I said, “mom I think the baby just came out”. I was scared to move and I was bleeding so bad so my dad called 911. The entire house looked like a slaughter house from the bathroom down the stairs and to the front door.
The ambulance put my baby in a small net like bag and tucked it under my leg. As I got to the hospital I kept asking if my baby was alive. No one would answer my questions. I asked to see my baby they wouldn’t let me. After I got out of surgery my baby was gone. I never got to hold him or say goodbye. They allowed me to bury him but they never actually gave me my baby, they sent him to his resting place. I felt so lost! I asked “What I did wrong”? Why I wasn’t allowed to have my baby. I wanted to be a good mom. I loved him so much already.
The entire time I was fighting to keep my baby and no one even noticed I was in early labor even though I was in the hospital the day I had lost him. I was so angry at the hospital for not letting me say goodbye and hold him in my arms and for not answering any of my questions. They made an already horrifying experience so much worse I vowed to never go to that hospital again and I never did.
It’s not so easy to say goodbye as they are lowering my son into the ground. I wanted to hold and kiss him and tell him I was sorry for failing to protect him. The worst thing is that I never gotten a reason to why my son died and I was scared that I would never be able to have kids. I have two kids now but it was a rough road. Every day of my life I still miss him, I still think about him, I still feel responsible even though everyone tells me it’s not my fault. I’m lucky to have my two little ones but nothing will ever hide the pain I feel for the one I lost. All I have left is my angel box.