Sisterhood of Angel Mama’s Magazine | Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Edition October 2021

My Scarlet Heart

Written & Photos by Gaye Castillo

I was diagnosed with Incompetent Cervix at 18 weeks. My cervix is short and soft and it continued to get shorter as my pregnancy progressed. I wish I would’ve known how it would affect my pregnancy. I exhausted all Google short cervix searches and I worried myself sick! My husband and I were both very stressed out and our main concern was carrying our baby to term. In order to carry a pregnancy into term, I had to stay on strict bed rest for the entire pregnancy and my hubby was also on house arrest because he had to take care of the baby and I.

I was on strict bed rest since there was a high chance of my baby girl being born early, if you are on bed rest, then you are already experiencing preterm labor symptoms where your baby is trying to escape the womb way too soon. And the plan was to try to keep her in as long as possible. 

We considered cerclage I knew how painful it will be but I was willing to put up with anything to keep my baby, but unfortunately, it was too late and was not done on my case since my water bag was already prolapsed. I was wondering why it happened. I asked my doctor and she told me “There is no exact cause for having a soft cervix and I should not feel different in any way.” Some women are born like that and I am one of them. She even told me to not feel guilty or sick, because it cannot be prevented. Bed rest can be extremely hard to go through but the “fight” is worth every minute I spent in bed keeping my baby safe and sound. 

Not until the day, I was already sleeping then my husband woke me up as I was having chills, he thought that maybe I was just cold so he turned off the AC but my chills lasted for 45 minutes uncontrollably. I asked him to put a two blankets on me and I had on a jacket but it was still the same. Then my husband called his brother and sister so that they can take me to the hospital and I said NO! I didn’t want to go to the hospital because I knew that once I get there I will lose my baby girl. Jhe (my husband continuously checked my temperature and at first it was 36.7  second time it was 38.7 and the third time it was 39.8. He insisted to bring me to the hospital because I was continuously shaking while they were sweating because there’s no open air con or fan. I cried because I still didn’t want to go but they win as he was worrying something worst might happen to me.

We got to the ER and they were hesitant to accept me at first because I couldn’t take a swab COVID test because I had a fever. Since my case was an emergency they accepted me eventually. 

When I was at the ER they checked my vital signs: BP: 90/60 pulse was normal, temperature was 40.7. They checked my baby’s heartbeat and it was 172 bpm. They called my OB-GYN and told her my condition and asked if I can handle the pain or will they have to put me under sedation or epidural so I can sleep and won’t feel the pain as I need to give birth to my baby who was just 5 months old. I told the doctor that I don’t want to be asleep and that I can still manage the pain. I already knew what will happen but it hurts to hear the truth! My body started to feel numb. They monitored my baby’s heartbeat and waited for it to slow down so I can push the baby out of my tummy. 

When the heartbeats slows down, they turned off the machine and asked me to inhale deeply and pushed so I can let my baby out. I did it three times and they told me on September 24th at 3:30 am my baby girl was born. They showed me my little girl and I started to cry alone because they did not let my husband come inside the delivery room.  

Giving birth was painful indeed but I never shouted for pain because the pain of my heart breaking is much far worse. I was just in tears, not talking. When I saw my baby, she looked like her daddy. She’s our dream that came true. She was so little but she was a fighter until the very end. If only the time is right, she’ll be here with me today, too bad her lungs was not yet develop completely. After 30 minutes they took my placenta out of my belly. They asked me if I wanted to be monitored but I just wanted to go home.  

When we got home my hubby hugged me so tight and started crying. I still don’t know how to deal with the pain, we longed and prayed for that baby but we just lost her in just a blink of an eye. 

I thought that losing my baby was the only battle I will be facing in 2020 but after a few days of losing my daughter, my husband was diagnosed with Gallbladder cancer stage 4 and I also lost him in January 2021. Almost 4 months after losing, my Scarlet Heart. 

I wish it was all a bad dream from which I could wake up. 

Sisterhood of Angel Mama’s Magazine