Sisterhood of Angel Mama’s Magazine | Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Edition October 2021
Twice To Love, Twice The Loss
Written & Photo by Lorelai Lavey
Nineteen and have this huge world in front of me, I can do anything I wanted to. Surprisingly to most people all I wanted to do is be a mom. My best friend and I got pregnant early in the year. I am inpatient and took a pregnancy test everyday for three weeks and sadly though they all only had one pink line.
Father’s Day comes around, I am spending the night at my aunt’s house and I have not started my period yet. I go out and one of my friends thinks she’s pregnant I get into my car and head to my best friend’s house. I bought the pregnancy test and went back to the house. Once I got in the house, I went to the bathroom and stared. Finally, I couldn’t wait anymore so I sat down and pee on the pregnancy test. After five minutes of waiting to see if I was having my dreams come true or not. I sat almost in tears waiting, I closed my eyes with tears down my face and said “God or whatever is out there I know I am so young and do not have a lot to offer but I swear if I get this baby everything I have will go towards it and I will put my needs last”.
I open my eyes and the pregnancy test read “Pregnant”. I came out of the bathroom and the first person I saw was my eight year-old cousin and I picked her up and took her to a room. I told her she needs to keep a secret and that I was pregnant. She started crying and them started asking all these questions about names and stuff. I looked at the time and it was three minutes until midnight. I called my boyfriend and I yelled “HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!!”. He asked me what I meant and I told him I was pregnant. I laid down in the bed holding my baby, and I whispered quietly “I love you for you and I will always be here for you, you are now my one and only baby and mom has you.”
I woke up the next morning and was having coffee with my aunt and two cousins who knew about my little one, well my cousin I did not expect to say anything he did and then my little secret was out. My aunt that day took me to Planned Parenthood to confirm the test and sure enough it was positive. I called my mom that day and I got everything ready, that way I can take care of myself and this little blessing inside of my tummy. From that point on, I was determined I would be ready for this person to come into this big ol’ world.
My first obstetrician appointment went amazing but I found out that day that twins run in my biological father’s side and I was not prepared to hear that. I took a deep breath and after crying out of shock and excitement I looked down and held my tummy and whispered “Oh I am so sorry, I was mistaken I love both of you for who you both will be, you both are now my two and only babies and mom has you both.” I looked at my boyfriend and he was so excited but a little scared. I looked at him and said well “I can not wait for the cheesy matching outfits”. By the third doctor’s appointment we found out we were having momo twins which means they shared everything besides umbilical cords. From that point forward I bought diapers in all sizes to be prepared, we got outfits and even a breast pump. We were prepared for these two little ones.
A few months go by and I start to throw up a lot at work and I never had morning sickness before. We finally were able to find out the gender of the babies and my mom threw me a gender reveal. It was fall so we did smoke bombs in cute pumpkins. As my boyfriend and I lit the smoke bombs, we took a step back and a beautiful pink smoke filled the backyard and I started crying harder then ever because I was hoping to get girls. Everything was going to amazing, I got the gender I wanted I have twice as much to love now and now I am just counting down the days til I get to see these people I feel like I already know.
We were already planning for the baby shower so we could do a Halloween themed baby shower to make it cute but scary. I was just entering the second trimester (about 20 weeks along) and it was a week away from the baby shower. I was not nauseous or anything I was just throwing up. I called my doctor’s office and they prescribed me something for nausea even though I was not. I calmed down and everyone told me that it’s okay and my tummy might’ve been upset so I waited for a few days until my doctor’s appointment.
I woke up at 7am extremely happy to see my girls and I woke up my boyfriend and we went to McDonald’s to get some caramel iced coffee and a sausage and egg McMuffins. We head to the doctor’s office and we sat there quietly waiting holding my girls and whispering “I can not wait to hear your strong heartbeats and I can not wait too see you guys moving inside of me.
Finally my name was called and I laid down in the little awkward bed which hurts your back when pregnant. The guy moves the little stick all around and I am holding my breathe because I can not hear anything, I am already crying at this point. He turns around and says “I am sorry I can not find a heartbeat for any of them”. Those thirteen words destroyed my entire world. I could not hear anything else I could not stop crying, we got put into one of the back rooms and waited for the doctor. He told us we can wait over the weekend or go to the hospital the only words I remember saying are “Over the weekend or I need to go home now”. I know he talked more but I did not hear a single thing he was saying.
We walked out of the doctor’s office and into the waiting room filled with other moms and babies. I called my mom and she was on her way to run an errand and I said “mom… there.. there isn’t a heartbeat. My babies… my babies have passed away.” My boyfriend drove us back to my mom’s house and I just fell apart I could not breathe, think or really see. The past couple of days my family gathered around me and held me until Monday.
Sunday evening at 5:30pm, I get a call from the hospital asking if I can be there in two hours to be induced. I was not expecting to go in on Sunday but I said yes, again I called my mom and she left what she was doing to get me ready. We left and got to the hospital, I checked in and relaxed as much as I could. I got my first inducement to get things going, my mom ended up leaving. My boyfriend and I just laid their waiting until the time came. At 4:15am I woke up to back pain and I woke up my boyfriend in tears and asked him to get the nurse. She came in and gave me some pain killers and I laid down for not even a minute.
My water broke and let me tell you it is not like the movies there was a whole ocean that came out. I laid back down so that they can change the sheets and I pulled my blanket over me and all of a sudden I felt something trying to come out. I told my boyfriend to call my mom right away because I needed her. I told the nurse who could not careless and I delivered one of my babies under a blanket with no assistance. After I yelled at her that something came out of me, she rushed to the end of my bed and called for other nurses. I was screaming, crying, and yelling that “this is not fair, it is not fair, I never did anything to deserve this”. I got both my angels out no problem and then I thought I was done until I forgot about the placenta I pushed that thing out of me and I was finally done. I broke down worse than I ever had in my entire life.
By this time my mom arrived, she sat down next to me and held me so tight. I asked the nurse if my girls could stay in the room with us until the morning. My family, boyfriend and I took pictures with and of the twins. Before my mom left we stayed up, talking and crying. After she left I laid right next to them and woke up early in the morning to took more pictures with them and held them as long as I could. My girls were so beautiful. I looked down at them and whispered “Evangeline and Vanellope it is okay you guys can go and be free happy spirits. I understand you guys weren’t ready to come to this big world, when you are mommy will be here for you guys. I love you and I will see you both at a later time.”.
Around 6pm, we packed our things said goodbye. Everyone left the room and it was just me and my babies. I held them in my arms looking at their beautiful faces singing quietly My Sunshine and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I finally said “I love you both so much, you will never understand and it breaks me to leave you both but I know it will be okay, and I will be strong for you.”
I came out of the room and looked around with all this baby stuff. I couldn’t contain myself, I broke down crying and my mom had to hold me up so I wouldn’t fall to my knees. We passed the room my newborn babies and I was in and I took one look and the little strength I had left my entire body . I can’t remember how I was able to get out of the hospital but I did. I put all my stuff and all the girls stuff in the truck and sat in the front seat crying. I felt empty and so gross. We got home and the the very long journey of recovery started. People say there is twice to love with twins, however there is also twice the loss.
Evangeline Erin Mae Bradshaw & Vanellope Lenay Marie Bradshaw October 12th, 2020