Sisterhood of Angel Mama’s Magazine | Bereaved Mother’s Day edition May 2023

A little boy called Matthew

Written & Photo by Hazel Jones

On April 16, 2012, a positive pregnancy test was confirmed what I already knew and that I was pregnant. This baby was to be my second and my husband’s first child and we were beyond excited. Despite the horrendous morning sickness I was enjoying being pregnancy again. I was due December 2, 2012 and had dreams of bringing home my baby to a room filled with Christmas lights and cheer.  

On July 19 I started bleeding so my doctor put me on bedrest. He said he wasn’t concerned as my placenta was laying low and I had been doing a lot of work. He also didn’t want me to come in because I was scheduled for an ultrasound the following week. 

It was actually a fun week on bedrest. Two friends “broke” into my home to bring me tacos and movies and we spent that evening laughing and chatting. 

When July 26th rolled around and as a family we went to my ultrasound . We were all happy seeing this little baby on the screen but not at one time did I notice my baby wasn’t moving and I didn’t notice there was no sound of a heart beat. The tech mentioned getting a doctor and then the words I never wanted to hear were said. There is no heartbeat the baby is dead . My scream filled the room and my eldest son yelled for my husband who was outside the room talking to his mum. I told him his child was dead and the room was silent except for the cries of my eldest son who was in my arms.  I was admitted to the hospital and labor was induced. 

My baby’s godmother came and spent the following day in the hospital with me while I was in labor keeping me entertained as my husband had to work they refused him time off. We laughed together and we cried together and when she went home it began to storm. I looked out the window and a red and black butterfly was on the window it stayed during the storm and brought me comfort.

On July 28, 2012 at 1:34am my tiny little boy slipped into the world quietly. The cries that night came from me. At 3am, Matthew had a blessing as I held him he was named after two amazing men I knew he was blessed as Matthew Aaron Jones. 

He was laid to rest on August 23, 2012 with myself his daddy big brother grandma and God mum watching as his little coffin got covered with soil I didn’t want to leave him there .

In the years since we started a nonprofit in his memory I became a doula and then a midwife yet we have struggled with fertility since. Since his death we have experienced 4 more early losses and now menopause has crept my way. The loss of Matthew and our other babies has left a void that will never be filled. As a mum I feel like I failed my children as a wife I feel like I failed my husband as a grieving parent I only have one question, Why Me? 

Sisterhood of Angel Mama’s Magazine