Sisterhood of Angel Mama’s Magazine | Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Edition October 2022
Daxton
Written & Photo by Kristin Chaisson
I was 37 weeks 1 day pregnant I was exhausted, I was huge and I woke up on June 21, 2022 with a gush of what I thought was water but when I stood up I knew it wasn’t, I got to the toilet pouring blood there was so much it was terrifying I called 911 and the ambulance came. I went to hospital and the nurses were frantic , my partner just entered the room when we heard those unimaginable words “There is no heartbeat” it was a gut punch I was devastated. How could you be taken away when u haven’t even had a chance in this world, I was taken to emergency c-section they took a very long time. I was in surgery for almost 3 hours and I missed the footprints, hand prints, cutting his hair, getting him dressed and I missed it all because of the bleeding. I won’t get that chance back and it haunts me. I still got to hold him and I’m thankful for that. The rest of the day was a blur from all the medication they had given me. I came home without my boy and I am broken, I am numb and I’m not as present for my living 5 year old boy who said to me “mommy I wanted baby Daxton to be real”, and I had no answers. I felt like I set him up and I don’t know how to go on. What life looks like now without you? I love you with all my heart and I’m always thinking about you.