Sisterhood of Angel Mama’s Magazine | Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Edition October 2022
Gone Too Soon – Adeline Fay
Written & Photos by Katelyn Bell
On May 14, 2022 at 9:30am I heard the words from the doctor that I never thought I would ever hear..I’m sorry it’s not good news. I put my hand over my head and screamed and cried in pain, it was a pain I have never felt before. Our baby was gone. While the nurse went to get my husband, I cried to the doctor what happens now? They waited for my husband to get into the room, just seeing him made me feel those first pains all over again, seeing us both with so much heartache made it feel like it was a dream. How could this be happening to us?
Walking out of the hospital hearing newborn cries just tore my insides. Our baby doesn’t have a heartbeat and the next 48hrs I’ll be back to birth our beautiful baby to hear the silence. Our drive home was very silent, a million things running through my head. I kept thinking it’s a nightmare and I need to wake up. I stared into space as if my own soul left my body.
Monday May 16, 2022 I woke in the hospital that morning with a million things running through my head. What will our baby look like, what will our baby be? A girl? Or a boy? Every midwife that came in, seen I had tears running down my face and tried to support in every way they could. After huge amounts of bloods being taken in the last 48hrs for investigations, the insertion of the inducing medication was done at 10:30am. I sat up in the bed for awhile with just the usual Braxton hicks, I then thought to myself I am going to do this no different, so I stood up and got moving around. The midwife came in at 1:30 to give me my 2nd oral dose. Then there is was.. regular strong contractions. My heart felt broken.. My body kept going into shock, I would shiver like I was freezing cold. The midwife had to keep bringing me warm blankets to help my body stop going into shock.
After my shivering settled I wiped away my tears and began to breath in and out, I put my meditation on and breathed through each contraction as I did with my other pregnancies. As they got stronger I held my mums hand and my husband rubbed my back, I could feel their sadness. The room was not full of laughter and happiness like a usual birth. It was silent and whispers.
At 3:56pm our baby girl was born silently into this world at 20 weeks 2 days. That silence is something I do not wish upon anyone, my heart felt not just broken but as if it had been torn to a million pieces that could never be put back together. My husband held her crying while I had to pass the placenta which got stuck. He didn’t take his eyes off her.
The time had come that I could hold our little Angel Adeline Fay Bell. I couldn’t believe how beautiful she was, she had features like her sister and she sat perfectly in my arm but yet so tiny. Her shinny skin, her perfect lips, her cute button nose, her tiny feet and hands. I will never forget just how precious she is. After coming back from theatre from having a D&C our baby girl was in a cold crib in our room where she could stay with us the night. I woke up numerous times in the night looking over thinking she should be crying to be fed or crying for a cuddle. This was not fair our Angel was sleeping peacefully.
The following morning the midwives came and took our Angel away for her trip to Westmead to have an autopsy before her cremation that took place on June 1, 2022. In that moment, you realize you’re never going to see, hold, kiss or cuddle your precious baby again. We were shattered inside. Instead of going home with a baby we get to go home with a memory box of her beautiful footprints and handprints and photos of her dressed up in her little knitted cardigan and beanie. It took 3 long months before we began to get answers as to why this happened in our family’s journey. Since receiving these results it has helped with our grieving process and can now love and cherish the moment we did have with our little angel.
We love you Adeline Fay Bell, fly high beautiful girl.