Sisterhood of Angel Mama’s Magazine | Bereaved Parents Awareness Edition July 2022
Imagine..
Written & Photos by Stephanie Caldarera
Imagine…Imagine talking with your partner about the possibilities of falling pregnant…Imagine taking that first pregnancy test, feeling nervous and excited and reading POSITIVE…Imagine hearing “You’re Pregnant” from your doctor…Imagine telling your family and closest friends the news Imagine how you’d feel every time you told someone…Imagine reaching 13 weeks and finally being able to find out the gender Imagine planning your gender reveal…
Imagine everyone, including yourself and partner guessing what it could be…
Imagine seeing those blue balloons burst through the door! Imagine how happy you and your partner are because this is what you both wanted…Imagine shopping for tiny outfits, reading about breastfeeding and how often to feed…Imagine reaching 22 weeks and feeling a soft vibration, tiny bubbles…Imagine tearing up and gasping to your partner “I think I just felt movement!”….
Imagine finally feeling that first kick…
Imagine seeing your partner when he feels that first kick….
Imagine creating a baby registry and organizing a baby shower…Imagine picking names…Imagine watching as your heart is so full, your partner put together the crib and rocking chair…
Imagine when that tiny baby seat gets installed. How you think things are getting very real now…
Imagine the plans being made as a family…
Imagine washing and folding all the tiny clothes, the smell of baby detergent…
Imagine seeing your Obstetrician and hearing how well mum and baby are doing and booking in a c-section..
Imagine 3 days later at 35 weeks, you begin feeling contractions and waking your partner…
Imagine going to the hospital and saying “I can’t believe we’re meeting him!”….
Imagine going up to the birthing suite and getting hooked up to the monitor to check how his doing…
Imagine the look on the nurses face as she searches your belly over and over again…
Imagine feeling the fear creep in…
Imagine her leaving the room to go and call your obstetrician, as you both wait there anxious and confused…
Imagine our confusion…
Imagine your obstetrician doing further scans than turning off the machine….
Imagine her face as she quietly says “I’m so sorry…there’s no heartbeat”
Imagine…
Imagine as both partners stare wide eyed at each other in silence…
Imagine being in so much shock that you no longer feel the pain of your contractions at all…
Imagine as you feel the first crack being made in your heart and the tears start to fall…
Imagine thinking they could be mistaken..that there’s still hope….
Imagine deciding to be put to sleep so you don’t have to see him come out silent…
Imagine still holding onto hope..still praying over and over and over again…
Imagine waking up and being disorientated from the drugs and thinking “where’s my baby?
“did that really happen?”…..
Imagine looking over to your partner and seeing how Broken he is…
Imagine being so tired, but not letting yourself go back to sleep as you don’t want to leave your partner alone..
Imagine the doctors and midwifes coming in and offering there condolences…
Imagine the whole time, your hot tears pouring down silently…
Imagine the midwife coming in with your son…
Imagine how quiet the room is…
Imagine watching as your partner tries not to crumble as he holds your baby…
Imagine having your lifeless baby finally placed in your arms…
Imagine searching his face for life…still in disbelief…
Imagine feeling how soft he is. his hair, his cheeks…
Imagine sliding your finger into his tiny hand and still hoping for it to be gripped…
Imagine how quiet the room remains…
Imagine how loud your head is screaming!
Imagine him being taken away and knowing the next time you see him will be in a casket…
Imagine how angry you are…how angry at God…how angry at yourself…
Imagine choosing a urn…
Imagine leaving the hospital, being wheeled out with your head hung so the other mums don’t see your a failure…
Imagine praying you don’t see or hear any babies…
Imagine the drive home in silence as the tears fall- you never imagined this…
Imagine not being able to eat or function properly…
Imagine your mind on repeat. Every. Single. Day.
Imagine your mind creating its own monologs…zooming in on each moment, trying to find answers or a detail you missed…
Imagine HAVING to replay the worst moments of your life, as they are the only moments of the baby you miss so much that you have
Imagine your hormones telling you to hold your baby, the pain as you crave to smell him and touch him…
Imagine how strong the urge is to have your baby…
Imagine walking into church, seeing a small casket and knowing his in that box…
Imagine as you watch your family hold him and cry…
Imagine holding him for the last time and whispering “mummy and daddy love you Cole”
Imagine placing a photo of us in there with him, because you can’t go with him to be cremated and you don’t want him to feel alone…
Imagine the broken pieces of your heart dissolving…
Imagine praying to God to take care of your son, telling your nonna to please hold him and keep him safe…
Imagine loving something so much and having it taken way…
Imagine…