Sisterhood of Angel Mama’s Magazine | Bereaved Parents Awareness Edition July 2022
Written & Photos by Jazmin Allman
My beautiful baby boy was born sleeping on the May 4, 2022 at 11:10am. He was a healthy baby. I had to have an External cephalic version (ECV) to try keep his head down. He was moving and had a good weight and heartbeat and one day he just stopped moving. I could feel something was wrong so I went to the hospital and that’s when those dreaded words were spoken “I’m so sorry to tell you this but I’m unable to find a heartbeat”. That was the moment my world came crashing down. I was telling myself that it was just a bad dream and I’d wake up the next day and I will be going up for a membrane sweep to get ready for my boys delivery. He was 39 weeks and 4 days. I was asked if we would like to go home and be induced the next day, I just couldn’t so I went home to grab my stuff then head back to the hospital to be induced. The staff were ever so kind and caring. My mum and my partner stayed with me. I barely remember the labour and the delivery. I just remember being passed, my beautiful boy after my partner had cut the umbilical cord and had the first hold, just as I wanted.
We stayed in the hospital in their Twinkling Stars room. We stayed there until the 7th with my beautiful boy. We was treated very well and had lots of cuddles with Jeremiah-Josh.
One moment that has really got to me was when they asked about having a post mortum. I didn’t know what it was so I asked, they told me my boy would be taken up to London to be examined for up to six weeks to try find out what went wrong. The idea of my baby boy being away from our home town in Kent for such a long time away from us made me feel like my heart was being stabbed. So I refused one. I felt like they were trying to talk me into it, but I stood my ground. However, ever since being told about it, every time I fall asleep I get the same reoccurring dream of my baby boy being poked and prodded on his own. It breaks my heart every time I wake up, my partner just knows when it’s happening and is always there to wake me up and hold me telling me that Jeremiah is safe.
When we left we decided that it was best to bring him home until we felt ready for the funeral directors to take him. He was home from the May 7th-9th where we spent most of the time alone with him giving him cuddles when we could. I would set an alarm on my phone and we would have him out for cuddles, rest with him until the alarm went off, then put him back in his Moses basket which we had set up the cuddle cot in.
I was nervous on May 9th for him to be collected. Our families came over to see him until the funeral directors arrived at 3pm for him. We arranged his funeral and my partner and I were able to carry him to the funeral car. My neighbours stood outside or by their windows and showed their respects, it was rather heartwarming. We visit him every day and plan to visit him every day up until the funeral. Which is being held on the May 17th.
I believe that God hand picks his true angels. Born with no sin, no pain, no hate, just the purest of souls. My son was picked to be one of those angels to help and guide those into heaven and to help me and his daddy through this life until we are able to reunite with him again.
To Jeremiah-Josh, mummy loves you so much my beautiful baby boy. Until we meet again my baby. My cherub, my everything, my first child and my son.