Hi! My name is Jade Field and this is my 1st loss story. After having my daughter in June 2014 after a long infertility struggle, I decided I didn’t want to have anymore children as I had a very complicated pregnancy and a traumatic delivery that has left me with severe medical issues. So I went onto a contraceptive pill, anyways I bled continuously for 12 weeks and had to go to EPU to have US to see if I had any retained placenta which I didn’t have, I was told I had a hormonal imbalance (story of my life) so I was also added onto norethisterone to stop the excessive bleeding. Anyways a few days later my bleeding had all stopped so OH & I was finally intimate with each other and didn’t have anything to worry about in relation to conceiving because I was on the pill and I had my issues of infertility before. Anyway a few weeks later I was urinating a lot more than usual but I just put it down to my bladder issues from a 4th degree tear I went in labor, but then the next couple days I started to feel sick like a hung over feeling and I remember feeling like this with my little girl before the hyperemesis kicked in so I ended up going to the shop to get a clearblue digi at it was positive 2-3 weeks pregnant. OH & I was very scared because of the issues I had in my previous pregnancy, issues with delivery, little girl in scbu and me in theatre after delivery, PND and me & little girl having many health issues but after a couple days we adjusted to having another a little baby, we was so excited to give our little girl a sibling. I then got hit hard with hyperemesis and couldn’t move without vomiting loads, I couldn’t eat, drink and couldn’t even look after my daughter, my OH was a godsend. But at 5 weeks I had a slight bleed and had to go EPU for an US which baby was in the right place but no heartbeat, I was told it can go either of two ways that its to early for a heartbeat or baby may not grow, we went back two weeks later for a rescan and their was a lovely strong heartbeat so i was so happy that our baby was all safe & snug and i didnt think I would ever lose a baby as I had never experienced it before and never been around anyone who had a loss before. I then had another scan at 9 weeks with a consultant because of my medical issues and found that babies heart had stopped, I was distraught, devastated and heartbroken. Despite being scared at the beginning of being pregnant again we had started to plan moving, getting a double buggy, names and all sorts, it was heartbreaking to lose our little baby, our daughters little baby sister or brother, our hopes and dreams! It was shattered in a matter of seconds. I then had to make a decision on whether to have medical management or ERPC or natures course, i chose to have ERPC as i didn’t want to carry our baby inside my uterus with no heartbeat. Whilst awaiting for ERPC days later i felt like this wasn’t real, when i would sleep i had dreams about our pregnancy and our baby and when i would wake i would think the bad news was a dream until i realised it was actually true, i would feel empty, apart of me was dead and i didnt feel the usual me and haven’t done since. The morning of ERPC i had to go hospital for 7am and to have fasted, i felt so sick as i still had all pregnancy symptoms even though my little baby was dead. They got me a bed and when i got in my gown they inserted tablets to soften my cervix for them to open in surgery and not long after i was taken to theatre and put to sleep. When i woke in recovery it was awful, this feeling you have is horrid, i felt like part of my body was missing, i felt like something had been stripped from my body, my body didn’t feel whole anymore, my heart didn’t feel whole anymore it felt like a major organ had been removed from my body. I just cried and cried in recovery. When taken back to ward they got me some toast and a drink and told me to rest as i bled more than expected. After a few hours i was allowed home and i was devastated, everytime i looked at my daughter i kept imagining if our baby would look like our little girl, imagining them playing together, i tortured myself with our hopes and dreams of what if and i still do now 4 years down the line. After this loss my body struggled i bled continuously for 8 weeks, heavy and with lots of clots, my body struggled to come to terms with what happened.
My 2nd loss and 2nd missed miscarriage. After my 1st missed miscarriage we wanted TTC as soon as possible but i had bleeding issues for the 8 weeks post ERPC, during that time i was put on norethisterone to stop bleeding, so we kept trying when i had periods of no bleeding. We did end up conceiving quite quickly and again i had really bad sickness and was put on antiemetics for hyperemesis. I had to have an early scan and again baby was in the right place but no heartbeat, like before was told would be to early or potentially bad news. Went back two weeks later and baby was there with a strong heartbeat. I had all my horrible symptoms which were not very reassuring to me as i had symptoms in my previous missed miscarriage, i was a complete bag of nerves. I was constantly worried that my baby had died inside of me. I had my booking in appointment late because i was petrified of things going wrong and had all my bloods done & genetic bloods done to check from chromosome issues & gender and was awaiting for Nuchal/dating scan at 14+ weeks and consultant appointment at 14+ weeks. I then went for my Nuchal scan and was so excited i was talking about the pregnancy to a friend, that it was a little boy and about names, walked in to the scan room, laid down on the bed in a dark & cold room and was awaiting for the image on the screen, i was waiting to see my baby bouncing around on the screen but all i could see was this lifeless baby on the screen all perfectly formed, i was devastated, i came out of the room in tears and couldn’t believe my luck. I booked in for medical management/induction 3 days later where i would have been 15 weeks, on that day i arrived at the hospital thinking it would be quick but was there for four days. I had to take these tablets which made me violently sick, upset stomach and a fever. I was told by the nurses i had to catch everything i passed but i was so embarrassed because i had diarrhea from the tablets i couldn’t separate everything as so much blood etc was coming out at the same time, which i apologised to the nurse and she was very rude to me about it at such a sensitive time when i couldn’t control my bowels or the blood loss, i ended up breaking down wishing for everything to just stop. I ended up having 12 tablets over 16 hours but i couldn’t deliver the baby, he was stuck in the birth canal and all i kept passing was large clots and loads of blood which wasn’t any fetal tissue, i ended up needing oramorph due to contractions and being so tired. In the end they tried doing vaginal examinations to feel for our baby and then used a speculum to get a better look to try and remove baby with tiny little forceps but when trying to pull they were pulling parts of my baby, i was in hysterics and telling them to stop so after this i was rushed for an emergency ERPC, after this loss my body recovered very well, i bled for 4 days and then didn’t have an AF for 10 weeks but my mind did not deal well this loss, i found it so hard to deal with what i saw, barely having any support and feeling so alone & isolated. Again i felt like i had failed everyone yet again, no one would speak about my baby and just avoided me and the people who did speak to me told me to get over it. A loss of a baby is so hard and it’s not something you can just get over.
My 3rd missed miscarriage. My 3rd missed miscarriage wasn’t my 3rd loss, but i’m telling the story of all missed miscarriages. So after i had my 2nd daughter we decided TTC quite quickly because of our issues in the past with fertility, losses and my health. We conceived about 10 weeks after having DD2 via c section (we thought it would take a lot longer). I had the same symptoms i always get bladder issues being even worse than they are normally, bowel changes, sickness, headaches, worse insomnia then i usually have and worse body aches than usual. I went to EPU and had an early scan at 6 weeks and nothing found in my uterus so was being treated as a PUL (pregnancy of an unknown location) i had bloods which were 7,998 i went back 48 hours later and had them done again and it was 13,456 so they got me straight in for another ultrasound and baby was found in uterus with a strong heartbeat. At 8 weeks i was admitted into hospital because of the hyperemesis, was on IV anti emetics & fluids because i was severely dehydrated, they were also treating me for a blood clot in my lung. Whilst i was there i had another scan and baby was still very snug and safe. So i had booking in appointment and had bloods done and discussed everything about my health and my losses. Was booked into have dating scan and consultant appointment between 14-15 weeks and whilst awaiting i had a 4D scan and at my place they advertise gender scans from 15 weeks but they was correct for my DD2 at 14 weeks. So had 4D scan and baby was perfect, kicking and moving, heart beating away and to the sonographer 99% boy. Then a few days later went to nhs dating scan babies heartbeat had stopped. Again was booked in for medical management/induction the next day, we went in but then was told they had no beds and to come back the next week, which was devastating knowing i still have my dead baby inside me, i was hoping baby would flutter again for me, but he didn’t! I kept hoping they were wrong and his heartbeat would start again. Even at some points i felt like he kicked me but it wasn’t it was just muscle spasms/twinges. I found it so hard as i had a bump, i had grown my little baby boy and again my body has failed to keep my baby safe. So the next week we went back and started medical management this time i had no diarrhea issues, i had severe pain in my back so had to have oramorph straight away, was bleeding more or less straight away. But still had issues with passing baby, after about 12 hours i was taken upto theatre and whilst being prepared i felt like i needed the toilet and because i had already had the meds put in IV to make me sleepy they said they would put a bed pan underneath me as i wouldnt be able to stand, anyway whilst urinating i could feel something massive trying to come out and this very large red sack came out, which they were able to tell me it was fetal remains but no placenta, so i was told i would still need surgery i asked to see my little boy, i was told i could have a couple of minutes, that’s all a couple of minutes with my baby who i was never going to see again, so they got baby out of sac cleaned him up and i got to see him, touch him and hold very briefly, he was formed tiny little baby. I was able to get a couple pics of him and then i was taken through to have ERPC to remove the placenta which when i woke i was in hysterics, i wanted my baby back, i wanted to see him again and i was told i had a hemorrhage and that everything will be ok. After this one i had to go straight back to the ward my 2nd daughter was on as she was an inpatient and very poorly and i literally broke down on the ward, i couldn’t contain the upset, i cried loudly and i was unable to deal with it anymore, i had so many nurses around me trying to find out what was wrong, i know i shouldn’t have lost it but i couldn’t contain my grief, why has this happened to me again is all i could think and i found it so hard as me and my sis was pregnant at the same time literally a few days apart so seeing her bump, and my bump that still remained was torture. I didn’t like being around my sister as everyone spoke about her pregnancy and her baby like mine never existed and i was told by friends they left me alone because they thought i needed space, which i did not! I wanted people to acknowledge me, my feelings and my baby boy, well all of my babies.
My 4th missed miscarriage & partial molar. After my 3rd missed miscarriage we started TTC when bleeding had finished and we had been given the all clear. We ended up conceiving 3 cycles later, i remember so clearly doing a test and seeing those two pink lines and becoming so excited and so scared at the same time, i wanted everything to be good and perfect this time, i hoped so hard it would be good. Again we had an early US which had shown no pregnancy in my uterus again so was being treated as pregnancy of unknown location, i had bloods done and my HCG was high at like 30,000 so everyone was baffled as to why no pregnancy was seen in an US and prepared me that it was most likely in the wrong place, 2 days later i had more bloods and they had risen significantly so i had another US preparing myself for the worst and low and behold my baby was on the screen safe and snug in my uterus with a lovely strong heartbeat, as you can imagine i was so scared because of my history, with each of my missed miscarriages i’ve had similar beginnings, so i was petrified it was going to end the same way. I had the same pregnancy symptoms as usual and was even admitted again for hyperemesis, i was on daily emetics at home which helped a little and kept me from being admitted again. With this one i had a private scan at 9 weeks and everything was great, baby moving around as happy as can be. We was taking it day by day, week by week. Then at 10 weeks and 6 days i went to the toilet and had fresh blood upon wiping so i rang EPU. They could only fit me in 6 days later at 11+5 which i was panicked but trying to keep hope, i had no more bleeding and thought everything could potentially be fine or had my body failed me and my baby again. I went into the sonographer room laid on the bed and awaited to see the screen, straight away i saw a still heart, no flickers, no strong heartbeat and my baby looked lifeless, so still, just dead. The lady was just staring at the screen and i said to her “there’s no heartbeat is there?” And she replied “i’m so sorry!”, i ended up walking out of there with a picture for memories and very angry with myself, i then said i would never TTC again, my sister was still pregnant but due soon, we ended up pregnant together, due 3 days apart i ended up losing my little boy and then losing this little bubba in her 9 months of pregnancy and i kept thinking what have i done wrong?, i did all the right things! I didn’t drink caffeine, i didn’t smoke and i didnt eat anything i wasnt suppose to. I kept comparing how my sister drank energy drinks, loads of coffee and smoked but my babies were taken from me! I felt so angry, sad, alone, isolated and devastated. I was grieving and so confused and angry with my body and the world. I was booked in for ERPC as medical managements always failed me and i was told i needed the tablets to soften my cervix to which i refused, i was told i would be at risk of a damaged cervix or in other areas and i didn’t care, i was so upset with my body i didn’t care what happened to it. So i went to sleep for my ERPC and when i awoke i was in agony, i was empty and felt so useless. I also had another hemorrhage and had a fever so had to stay in a little longer but my body felt so hollow, i felt like i had no insides anymore, i was truly heartbroken. 3 weeks post ERPC i still had very dark positive pregnancy tests and bleeding continuously which i was then told to wait a week and retest. The next week i was still positive and bleeding so was called back to EPU and scanned, the scan revealed i had a uterine AVM (arteriovenous malformation) basically i had a cluster of arteries & veins visible in my uterus which put me at a risk of life threatening hemorrhages and other issues. I was told i needed surgery as i may have retained tissue because of the bleeding or the bleeding was a result of the AVM, but no surgeon would touch me, i was told if they operated and touched this area i could bleed out and die or they will have to perform an emergency hysterectomy to save my life. After hearing this news and being told i wouldn’t be able to have another baby i felt like my whole word had collapsed, my sister was coming up to her due date and i had nothing to show for those 9 months apart from scans pics, bumps pics and ashes for my angels and poor health. I had to go back to EPU at 5 weeks post ERPC for another US as HCG still wasn’t dropping and my AVM site had gotten bigger and they had now found i had a placental site tumor. I was then told what this meant and what could happen, by now the babies remains had already been cremated so they wasn’t able to test the baby but i was diagnosed as having a partial molar due to the issues that arose and the fact there was a baby present. 4 days after this my sister was being induced and i was her birthing partner and the drive upto hospital i silently sobbed at the back of car, trying to hide my sadness for my babies. I found it so difficult but i’m glad i did it and was able to get past my upset. I bled for 18 weeks after this ERPC due to the AVM, hormonal imbalance and because of retained tissue. I had many hemorrhages and had to take many different medications to try and stop the bleeding. I had MRI’S & surgeries (embolization) to try determine how severe situations was and to try and treat the AVM. I had HCG levels still present until 16 weeks after ERPC as levels kept rising and i needed chemo injections to try and bring down HCG levels and to rid my body of trophoblastic cells. After this i was under investigations for recurrent losses, genetic testing and investigations which i was then diagnosed with Endometriosis, Ashermans syndrome, Adenomyosis and Adenomyoma (a complex tumor) these 18 weeks after ERPC was so difficult due to all the complications that arose, the uncertainty of my life and future for myself, my partner and my living children.
My 5 natural miscarriages were completely different to my missed miscarriages and were all under 6-7 weeks. I also didn’t feel as ill with these as hyperemesis hasn’t started yet, i was still sick but manageable and wasn’t needing admissions and anti emetics. I was just as excited when i saw my two pink lines, just because i lost them in different ways and they were much earlier than some of the rest doesn’t make me feel any different about these losses, they all mattered no matter the gestation or size of embryo or fetus in medical terms. They were all my babies, my much wanted babies that i had planned and tried for. With these i started spotting and tried to have hope that it was a implantation bleed and that it would stop but sadly it didn’t, with each the bleeding would get heavier, pain would be worse than a period until you passed baby and then it would calm down, my body healed much easier and faster after a natural miscarriage.
I hope we can raise awareness over losses as it’s such a taboo subject and we should do more to support each other. I hate the fact that people will be out there struggling alone. A loss of a baby at any stage is heartbreaking to say the least and there should be more support for grieving parents.