Turning My Pain into Purpose

Eric Jr was just an hour old when he passed away. During my pregnancy his sonograms showed he had enlarged heart and kidneys, no abdominal fluid and undeveloped lungs. I was told by my doctor that he wasn’t going to live. I started panicking, I went to two other hospitals and they said the same thing. I became very scared! December 30, 2009 around 6:00 am I started having contractions back to back so I went to the hospital and had my son at 1:00 pm and at 2:05 pm he took his last breath in my arms. My heart was shattered into pieces. I was numb and broken. I wanted my son back. I fell into depression and said I wasn’t going to have anymore children.

Eight years later I found out I was pregnant with my second son Cameron. I was nervous and my daughter was happy. During my 1st trimester everything was good. During my 26 week appointment I got some devastating news that my son kidneys were enlarged and he had low abdominal fluid. My nightmare was happening again. I was admitted into the hospital so that the doctor could monitor my his fluids and lung development. During my stay I was genetic tested and came back my son had Autosomal Recessive Polycystic Kidney Disease(ARPKD). ARPKD is a rare genetic disease that affects babies kidneys and liver and occurs in approximately 1 in 20,000 children.

During the rest of my pregnancy Cameron kidneys gotten larger and his lung developed was hard to see and he had NO abdominal fluid. I gotten scared and stressed about my son that the doctor decided to deliver him February 22, 2018. I was admitted into the hospital February 21, 2018 to get prepped. February 22, 2018 at 11:05 am I had Cameron and soon as he came they sat him on my chest and we looked at each other as I listened to him cry. I couldn’t stop smiling. They rushed him to NICU. While he was in NICU I read him a book, took him a bath, talked to him and more. Around 9:50 pm I decided to go to my room to wash up but as I got to my door the technician told me the NICU called and wanted me to come back. I knew something was wrong by the way the technician said it so I rushed back and the doctor told me that my son heart rate dropped from 140bpm to 40bpm and that he was dying. I started crying and asked to spend some quality time with him. 20 minutes later the doctor came back and took him off the ventilator and he passed away in my arms at 10:25 pm. I was beyond broken, I didn’t know what to think or do with myself.

I went home again without a baby. I didn’t have no one to talk that understood me. Food became my best friend, my heart filled with anger, sadness, and I had so many questions. One day I looked at myself in the mirror and didn’t like the woman I saw so I decided to put my anger, frustration, sadness into the gym and journaling. It became very helpful and I was able to control it. To this day I’m still able to control it.

In 2018 I started walking to find a cure for PKD in Austin and North Texas. Being around people who have lost a baby to ARPKD made feel better knowing I’m not alone. Being accepted into the PKD Foundation – North Texas Chapter made me happy to help find better treatments and cure for PKD. I won’t stop until there is a cure. No parent should have to bury their baby. No mother should have to watch her baby die. I’m on mission to help other families who lost a baby or child and raise awareness of PKD.

Quila’s Angels was created a little over a year ago and is dedicated to providing grief and healing support to families who lost a baby or child. This blog has helped me a lot in my grief and healing journey. It brings me joy to help others through my blog post but I wanted to do much more than blog post so I decided to have a brunch (Angel Moms Brunch) to connect with local moms and be there for them face to face. We can help each other heal just by being there for each other. For pregnancy and infant loss month I had a painting class for families to paint a memorial painting for their angel in heaven and I plan on having it every year. This blog is helping me so much in my healing journey. Huge thank you to each and every one of my followers. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me.

To the mothers who lost a baby or child, you are not alone. Turn your pain into purpose. Pain will change you but don’t let it be a bad change. You will push through this and be stronger. You got this.